June 1st, 2012 # 1

My mom’s surgery went well. Hopefully all of the tumor was removed. We will find out soon whether or not this is the case.

These years since coming back to South Carolina have been years of spiritual growth, but also constant reminders of loss.

I have moved away from denominational religion and towards a relationship with my God. I do admit that I have so far to go on this journey.

When looking back it is not easy to remember the loss I have suffered, nor is it easy to forget. I had everything stolen from me. Most of the items are what could be considered replaceable but I am not able to replace anything. There are also items that meant a great deal to me and are not replaceable.

I once had professional photography equipment, 2 Mac Computers (with Creative Suite, Final Cut Studio, and Pro Tools). I had a large collection of DVDs and books. Everything I had was stolen.

It’s would be easy for some to think of these things as replaceable but I have no means to replace anything that was stolen.

Gone are the many photographs I took and the photographs from my childhood.

I want to move past the loss, but it is not so easy. I have no job. I have no car. I have no place of my own. It would be easy for someone that has a job and a car and house to say a bunch of sayings or other worthless things.

I have so much debt from film school. Debt that I am certain is growing everyday. In this country trying to improve yourself is rewarded with debt.

I would prefer the slate to be wiped clean. I would owe nothing.

Maybe if my things had not been stolen things would have been different. Shortly after my camera was stolen I began receiving offers for paid photography work.

I cannot use my skills to find work because I do not have the tools needed. I have skills. I know that some do not think highly of these skills but I know that anyone that thinks so, is merely jealous that they have no skills of worth.

I am single and I would like to change that, but I will not date or eventually marry someone other than the person right for me. I have been using POF, but it’s worthless. There are too many woman on there that lie about their age.

I have lost respect for certain people and this respect is gone. I forgive them of their ignorance, but the respect I had shall never be again as it was.

I have foolishly based decisions in my life based upon promises of other people and or other people’s guidance but i have found that doing so I have made the wrong decisions.

I do not know what to do now. I have been applying to so many different jobs. It does not seem as though anyone will ever hire me. I know that I need the job that is best for me, but I have been submitting to anything and everything I come across.

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